Thursday, November 13, 2008

Test Taking Tips

Here's my response to waking up at 6:30am to cram some more test knowledge into my head: "F***!, F***ity, F***!, F***!"

Here's my response at 11:00am when my test was handed to me: "Sh**! [expletive, expletive, etc., etc.] This isn't what I studied! Son of a c***gobbling b****! F*** this!" (All in my head of course).

It was right around question #107 that I can recall really just having a meltdown.  Here I am (there I was) sitting in a psychology of personality class arguing in my own head about which multiple choice selection is correct, and it went something like this.

Ok.  "A" sounds like a good answer.
Wait. "B" also sounds like a good answer. Sh**.
"C" can't be right.  I'll rule it out.
"D" = Both "A and B". F*** yeah! But before I could fill in the bubble...
"E" = All of the above. F*** Sh**!

Now.  I felt strongly about "A". And I felt good about "B".  Does that mean that I should choose "D"?  Or! Did I maybe overlook "C" and so the answer is in fact "E". Gosh damn, mother f***ing, donkey d*** sucking whore!

I pick "D".  Next freakin' question.

It was the stretch of questions between #107 and #142 where I was really just out of it.  Just washed up.  Brain drained, if you will.  I started making careless choices - even resorting back to high school logic for my answer choice.  The ever popular: "If you don't know the answer, it's "C" may have cost me a few valuable multiple choice points today. may have gained me valuable points. 

But it wasn't just that easy.  Patterns began to form.  And we all know that patterns must be questioned.  They must be interrogated. You must first ask yourself what the probability of spelling CAB, BAD, BEAD right in a row would be.  You must then question the very motive of the instructor.  Is this a trick? Is this a setup? Am I being watched? Are these answers correct and the mere existence of these spelling patterns intentional to trip me up into changing my answers? Or has fate provided yet another coincidental act?  The answer must be "C".  Erase.  That's just too many "C"s in a row! Bubble in "C" again.  Repeat.  You're not even trying to answer the questions anymore.  It's a psychology test in more ways than one.  It's also a math test.  It's also a sick, diabolical scheme.  But I'd really love a blowjob right now. A blowjob would really hit the spot. So, bubble in "B" for blowjob and just move essay questions.  

Essay questions are great. For instance, when there's five essay questions.  And the instructions say that you can choose to answer 3 of those 5.  And one more for extra credit (but you have to mark the extra credit one, of course)...and you look them over...and you only know one for sure.  You could write a damn book about one of them.  And you could squeeze by with another of them, but that's it. 
So you are stuck with trying to pass at least one more of the essay questions off by just reforming the question and using related words found throughout the multiple choice questions and answers section.  And you don't even know if what you've said makes any sense, but you hope that your test is at the bottom of the stack when it comes time to grade them. And you hope your professor is tired by the time he or she gets to yours.  And you hope that they are a big-time Murder She Wrote fan.  And you hope that by the time they get to your paper, Angela Lansbury is already sitting down at her typewriter with a piano jamming out in the background, so they just see some chicken-scratch that fills up the space provided and they give you credit for that one.  In addition you score some extra credit even though you answered THAT essay question with your theory about why as a person you suck and what you would do to fix your life if you just had access to a time machine.


Anonymous said...

Brilliant test taking strategy Chuck. My advice- school is for fools.


Jessica said...

Well, I was about to ask you how your test went...but never mind. And what you said is exactly why I'm giving up on studying!